Photograph by Caitlin Abrams
Hell's Kitchen Bloody Mary
Your pious pals might warn you that there’s a special place in hell for people who indulge in this much vice. Expedite the process by going voluntarily . . . for bloodies! Every Saturday and Sunday from 9 a.m.–2 p.m., Hell’s Kitchen (80 S. 9th St.) in downtown Minneapolis rolls out a bloody mary and mimosa bar of epic proportions. Its Jacked Up Bloody Mary Bar stretches 35 feet and includes 243 sauces, and accoutrements ranging from beef sticks to chicken wings to sausage bread cubes.
With nobody to question the literal lengths you’re willing to go to try new and fancy beers, you are finally free to drive the 30 minutes it takes to get to HammerHeart Brewing Co. in Lino Lakes (7785 Lake Dr.). There, a stable of unapologetically robust beers like Barrel-Aged Gorm The Old (an 8.8% ABV mesquite-smoked old ale, aged in brandy, bourbon, and scotch barrels) and the 13.4% ABV imperial Scotch ale, Imperial Longship, await you. Just don’t enjoy them too much, as you’ve still got a half-hour drive to get back to your couch.
One of the most classic forms of classic vices, card gambling is sometimes best enjoyed when spousal plans have rendered you a rogue agent. In our honest opinion, the best option for cards within earshot of the urban core is Canterbury Park in Shakopee. Head to Canterbury any time of day or night (it deals 24/7) to play Texas Hold’em, blackjack, EZ-Baccarat, and more.
Chief among your predilections deemed unsavory by your significant other? Eating everything in sight. Which is why your weekend of freedom should include conquering copious chow. Head to iPho by Saigon in Frogtown (704 University Ave.) and attempt to dismantle 10 pounds of pho in 45 minutes to earn yourself a “Pho-King” T-shirt. Or, hit the Animales Barbeque Co. trailer behind Able Seedhouse + Brewery in Minneapolis (1121 NE Quincy St.) where, on Sundays only, chef Jon Wipfli serves the Meat Tornado, a hulking mound of meat topped with a towering mess of rib ends, sausage, smoked pork belly, jalapeños, and melty institutional cheese.
Or, if what you’re really looking for is something that’s vice-light, then a trip to one-time Piccolo chef Doug Flicker’s south Minneapolis haute dive bar, Bull’s Horn (4563 34th Ave. S.), might be just the ticket. In addition to Flicker’s fancy-ish take on pub grub, it’s got bubble hockey, pull tabs (the height of benign vice), and Heggie’s Pizzas, some flavors of which are the brainchild of the chef himself. And, should you still be solo on a Monday, it hosts a weekly meat raffle at 6 p.m.
