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Split Screen
Olivia Schultz was at the Venice Carnival when the pandemic hit. Her trip to the festival came to a screeching halt, and less than two weeks later, so did her stint studying abroad in Italy. Her next stop was quarantine at her parents’ house in St. Paul. Separated from her Colorado College classmates, she sat in front of the TV all day and spent hours scrolling through social media. She even ordered blue-light glasses in case all the extra screen time was damaging her eyes.
Like it did for Schultz, screen time skyrocketed for students of all ages last spring. Tweens previously banned from social media were granted access. Kids begging for their first phone received early birthday gifts. Schools delivered devices to kids who didn’t have any. Now, as schools “reopen” this fall, most are relying heavily on online learning, which means, again, students’ lives will be centered around screens.
Experts say this will require a shift from the old way of thinking about screen usage, with best practices no longer stressing time limits but guidelines for how to use screens more effectively. “There’s been a lot of talk about screen time,” says KK Myers, cofounder of LiveMore ScreenLess. “We’ve been pivoting away from talking about screen time to talking about the use of screens.” The new organization’s mission, she says, is not so much about using screens less but about using them well.
New Reality
Schultz spent up to 12 hours a day in front of her computer screen doing synchronous learning last spring. Daily walks with her mom were her only break, she says. And, while she enjoyed the sense of community from live classes, it was exhausting.
Her experience seems typical: A (nonscientific) survey she helped conduct for LiveMore, which she joined as an intern, showed that 81 percent of the college students who responded reported an increase, from the start of distance learning, in the amount of time spent scrolling social media—and that doesn’t include watching more Netflix or battling opposing teams in League of Legends. The survey also showed that 78 percent reported a decrease in motivation and 70 percent reported poor study habits.
And yet, during those first few uncertain months, screens were the safest way for us to connect. “If we begin with the intention behind the screen, we’re better served,” Myers says. “So we can ask, ‘Is this the best way for me to accomplish this task or activity?’ When we were so socially isolated, Zoom and Google Meets, etc., were probably the best way for us to socialize and connect.”
Suddenly, time-based screen limits no longer made sense. “For a while now the research has been telling us that quality matters as much as quantity,” says Erin Walsh, cofounder of the Spark and Stitch Institute, a research-based organization focusing on child and adolescent development in Minneapolis. “Time-based rules have always been meant to be more of a benchmark or guardrails for extremes.”
Timekeeping fails to take into account what a kid is doing online, who they’re connecting with, when they’re online, and the child’s individual temperament. “Screens and technology are not inherently good or bad—but they’re really powerful forces,” Walsh says. “Screens are not a toxic substance where a parent’s job is to protect their kids from evil ills.”
Not to mention that being your child’s screen-time monitor can be a guilt-ridden, cumbersome job, says Jodi Dworkin, a professor in the Department of Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota who studies technology and parenting.
A New Role For Parents
“One of the important messages for parents is to cut themselves some slack,” Dworkin says. “We don’t have a rule book. We can’t say, ‘Oh, in our last pandemic, this is what we did.’ We’re all figuring it out as we go. How can we set new rules as a family? It may mean more hours online, and what that looks like still matters a whole lot.”
Indeed, kids benefit most from a middle path that rides a fine line between the screens-as-toxic-substance view and completely unregulated use, Walsh says. She also offers a warning: the middle path can be parentally unsatisfying. “It’s muddy and messy,” she says. “And you have to trust that this approach will pay off when they’re 25. Kids don’t often turn to us and say, ‘Thank you so much for this amazing middle path you’re giving me!’ But research shows that kids really desperately need a guide.”
That may also mean getting a little more up close and personal with your kid’s online world—like learning the latest TikTok dance craze. It’s the sort of thing that could go a long way toward opening conversations, which is what experts say is critical.
“Lean into those conversations,” Myers says. “Parents need to not be afraid to ask, ‘How is your online day? How do you feel when you’re on social media? Tell me about that game you’re playing.’
Ideally, parents would be engaging with media alongside their adolescent. The reality during the pandemic? Most parents are juggling three full-time jobs: parent, educator, and their regular day job. So when your kid wants to watch a new show or play a new game, have them research it and tell you about it. In the meantime, visit Common Sense Media for a sneak peek of what themes or language may be present. While it’s obvious that some content remains strictly off-limits, when something is in the gray area, “the more we can talk to them about what they’re seeing and hearing,” the better, Walsh says. “Ask them questions: ‘What are you doing? What are you learning?’”
Set Family Values
One benefit of more engagement with your child’s screen time, Dworkin says, is teaching the responsibility of being upstanding online citizens. Look at screen time through the lens of the core things kids need to thrive, Walsh suggests, and discuss your family’s nonnegotiables. In her own family, that includes sleep, exercise, connecting with each other, play, time outside, and household chores. Fun media time comes second to all of that.
“In our family, we have been doing family meetings,” she says. “We’ve been explaining that we might have a lot more screen time when we have a lot of work. We say this isn’t forever, but here’s our plan. Then at other times, we’ll spend more time outside.”
Once everyone understands the family’s values, you can create screen-free zones that amplify those values. That could mean no screens in the bedroom and no screens during mealtimes, Myers says. Often, kids feel free and relieved by those rules, welcoming the chance to be unencumbered by social expectations, Myers adds.
Then, just as the best way to get kids to eat something healthy might be to pile your own plate high with it first, it’s up to you to model those screen values. One teen Myers spoke to remembers her mom telling her that she took Facebook off her phone because she didn’t feel good when she was using it. “The girl said, ‘I loved hearing that because it made me feel normal.’”
Of course, for most of us, work gets in the way of modeling as much screen-free behavior as we’d like. So, especially for younger kids who may not understand why you seem to be tied to a screen all day, talk through it. “Be really clear: Say, ‘I have to answer this text right now for work, and then I will put my phone away,’” Myers says.
Consequences
This messy middle path doesn’t mean your kids will become perfect digital citizens overnight and you’ll never have to dole out consequences again. “But what tends to backfire is if the only tool in your toolkit is ‘I don’t want to hear about it! Give me your phone,’” Walsh says.
Set expectations so your kids know you’ll be monitoring them with spot checks—not to catch them but to see what’s going on, with the expectation they’ll talk to you about it, Walsh says. That way, they’re more likely to rethink a questionable choice, and you won’t have to read every single text in your tweens’ group chats.
“It’s like if your kids have friends over to hang out in the basement,” explains Walsh. “You know the kids’ names and you talk to them about the night, but you’re not down there with them the whole time.”
And when there is an infringement, take some deep breaths. “Sit with it, and try to access a kernel of curiosity,” she says. “You can say, ‘I saw this. Can you tell me more about this? You knew I was going to be spot-checking, and this concerned me for this reason.’”
Then, the consequence could be to tighten up on monitoring until the trust is repaired or, if a friend has been hurt by online confrontations or bullying, to follow up with a face-to-face conversation.
Logging Off
One unforeseen consequence of this screen-time boom? We’re starting to see that even seemingly screen-hungry kids have their limits. Middle and high school students, for instance, tell Myers that after a long day of distance learning, they want nothing to do with screens.
Schultz, now back on campus in Colorado, agrees. She gets out of the house for workouts in the morning and spends most evenings playing cards with housemates. “It is so easy to get sucked in and find yourself scrolling and scrolling,” Schultz says. “But we’re sick of that trap and sick of being pulled in, so we are definitely ready to get off our screens as much as possible.”
Pocket Guide to Distance Learning: Screen-Time Tips for Parents
Experts we talked to offered extra tips for parents supervising distance learning.
- Schedule it: Build social time into your kid’s school schedule. Distance learning can mean a loss of opportunities for social development, Dworkin says, so consider creating spaces for online social interactions.
- Get up: Lift their learning environment...literally. “Raise your kid’s device to eye level with a standing desk or, in a pinch, a stack of boxes on a table,” Myers says.
- Take a break: Kids need a brain break every 15–20 minutes or so, Walsh says. Follow the 20-20-20 rule, suggests Myers: Set a timer for 20 minutes that will prompt your kid to look at something 20 feet away for at least 20 seconds (on second thought, set one for yourself, too!).
Still looking for more? Walsh’s Spark and Stitch Institute is offering an online course to help parents navigate “that middle, messy road of being a digital mentor.”
This article originally appeared in the October 2020 issue.
