After 23 years on the bench, I finally got the call to “monkey suit up” as a groomsman in my friend’s wedding. What transpired was a coming-of-age tale of a young . . . okay, no, not really. It was mostly a tale of awkward, inebriated dancing. In the end, what did I learn? Behold:
1. As a groomsman, you need only memorize two lines: “Yes” and “You look beautiful.” That’s it. Nothing else you say matters. Especially if you’re just a regular man instead of the best man. You have virtually no other responsibilities.
2. Don’t trip walking down the aisle. If you trip, the bridesmaid trips—and she’s more important than you.
3. Wedding planners are scary.
4. Grooms: Drink whatever you want at your bachelor party, but only a nip at your wedding reception. The rest of us will drink enough for you at the reception, we promise.
5. As a male, let me say this: Strippers for a bachelor party are always a bad choice. Go with a golf outing instead. In fact, my motto is: “anti-stripper, pro-golf.”
6. Brides: Let the groomsmen take their jackets off for as many pictures as possible. It’s hot out. Do you really want us to sweat more?
7. Tux tip: If the tux shop asks, “Would you like suspenders with that?” the answer is, “Yes.” Always “yes.”
8. If you do say “yes” to suspenders, we groomsmen will end up dancing in our suspenders—sans shirts—to the Village People’s “YMCA” by the end of the night. It’s part of our charm.
9. If you’re a terrible dancer (and have had several drinks), don’t try sliding across the dance floor like Tom Cruise in Risky Business when the DJ cranks out *NSYNC’s “Bye Bye Bye.” Trust me.
10. I look good in a tux! Who knew?