Now that everyone’s sunburned and the dog ate that dead fish on shore, America is more upset than ever. So it’s nice that we have come together over one obvious thing: As the Washington Post put it “America’s Politicians Take Courageous Bipartisan Stand Against Peas In Guacamole.”
Because why are those do-gooders at the New York Times trying to get us to eat peas in our guacamole when obviously being told to eat our vegetables just pisses us off and makes us not want to come down to dinner at all? When we could just stay in our room and text with Briff who understands us? Though it is nice to see America united around something, and so in the spirit of kumbaya, I offer you this collection of the 10 worst guacamole atrocities on the Internet. So get out your pitchforks and kerosene, people, it’s time to link hands as one and consider:
10). Gwyneth’s Kale Guac
One of the best ways to be red-carpet ready is to make your food inedible before you eat it, so do like Gwynefff (sp?) and tear up some kale and hide it beneath the creamy depths.
Creamy is a defining characteristic of guacamole, up until you chock it full of pistachios and radishes. Free bonus idea: Swap out your standard tortilla chips for steel tread radials.
Some say Rupert Murdoch drinks the blood of young stock brokers to stay to alive, while others attribute his existence to the Wall Street Journal’s white chocolate and blood orange guacamole. Note: If white chocolate is not available, substitute tears.
You think you have something to cry about? Food & Wine Magazine will give you something to cry about. Like a thick crust of congealed cheese on your guacamole. Now you’ll think twice about stabbing your sister, won’t you?
Synesthesia is the condition in which a person experiences one sensory phenomena, for instance, taste, as another phenomena, say color. And synesthesia is why seven passengers on an ocean cruise jumped overboard when someone explained the idea of Epicurious’ beet guacamole to them.
It’s a little-known fact in America’s health-care debate, but Governor Mitt Romney was forced to give everyone in Massachusetts health care in 2006 when the then-head of the National Guard discovered widespread use in Gloucester of dill pickles in the guacamole.
In the 1980s it was morning in America because the chia seeds were securely fastened to the chia pets. Now it is never morning, not ever, (not ever ever ever) because the chia seeds have leapt from the pets and into the guacamole.
3). Fish Sauce Guac
In June of this year Vietnam’s President Truong Tan Sang and Thailand’s Prime Minister Yingluck Shinawatra filed formal grievance against Cooking Light at the UN for crimes against humanity vis-à-vis that magazine’s fish sauce guacamole recipe. Side note: The video of the two leaders sticking their fingers down their throat in the universal sign for ‘gag me’ has to-date become the most popular joint project of the two leaders since they spray-painted that one dolphin and rode it to cocktails at Bruce’s.
Contrary to popular opinion, pea guacamole is hardly the Gray Lady’s first affront to guacamole culture, and deep frying guacamole is both very easy to do and never results in the guacamole inside turning a nauseating shade of brown.
Brusselmole. Let it roll off your tongue: bruss-elle-MOH-lay. Say it fast and people will quickly respond: What? What did you say? Say it slowly and they’ll ask if you’re having a stroke. What a great way to find out if people would call an ambulance for you! Thanks to London’s posh Marks & Spencer's, we can all now wonder what would happen if Brussels sprouts and guacamole were united, and the answer is: Ambulances would be summoned.
P.S. These were all real.